Another example showing the ever changing emotions of mine...

This entry was written when I was so angry to this particular person because of this person’s lacking of empathy towards my feelings and I was literally typing this piece right in front of that person...and that person didn’t even realised it...

Monday, ‎25 ‎May, ‎2009...

“I think I’ve been cursed...seriously!!!!i’ve been cursed...seriously!!!...why do I have to feel like this all the f***ing time!!!!...kenapa lah diri aku ni selalu jadi macam ni ha!!...

How people can change in a split second...memang betul lah, aku ni tak boleh cerita lebih sikit dengan orang apa yang tengah jadi in my life, macam ada curse, suddenly everything’s changed!!!...I can’t believe this...rasa macam dah lain je semuanya...

Give some mercy to me!!!...please!!!...kenapa???!!!...

Kenapa benda yang hampir sama jadi balik ni???...kenapa ni!!!...kenapa!!!...what have I done wrong this time???...aku memang betul-betul tak faham...kenapa nasib aku macam ni???!!!...kenapa???...aku tak faham...i really really really really don’t understand...

Manusia ni tak boleh stay dengan aku lama-lama ke???...apa lah masalah aku???...atau apa masalah diaorang dengan aku???!!!...I really really really really don’t understand!!!!!!!.....

Give some mercy, please...give me some mercy!!!!!!....

Tak tahu macamana nak jadi content lagi dah, diri aku ni dah teruji terlalu sangat dah kot...wayyyyyy beyond my level of patience...but, why??? Why??? Why??? And most importantly, what can I do pun kan?...nothing!!!...nothing!!!...nothing!!!...

Aku macam nak bagitau je terus semuanya lah!!!...just get it over with!!!...just get it over with!!!...takde orang ke nak kesian dengan aku ni ha???!!!!...takde ke???!!!!....

Bagitau jelah, just bagitau je lah kan...senang cerita!!! if okay, okay...if cannot terima, just forget me....just ignore me...just hate me...just erase me from your nice little life...senang cerita...aku dah tak kuasa...seriously, tak larat!!!...please...aku betul-betul tak larat...

Lagi satu, kenapa orang lain boleh act as if nothing happen!!!...cool gila je, macam tak bersalah langsung!!!...macam tak ada apa yang mengganggu fikiran diaorang ni!!!...that bothers me a lot!!!...yang aku ni...dah macam nak meletup kepala otak aku ni, fikir benda-benda remeh ni, tambah pulak dengan benda-benda lain yang lagi penting tapi aku buat-buat benda tu semua tak penting (freaky...), banyak gila benda nak fikir!!!!!...banyak sangat-sangat...banyak yang teramat sangat-sangat-sangat-sangat!!!...

Eeee!!!...kalau ikutkan aku ni, nak bagitau je!!!....bagi tau jelah!!!...”

Right after that I felt guilty to feel like that and I was okay again...but the next day was a different story...hah! Talk about “gila”ness...

Another entry showing my bag full of incessantly changing emotions...

This entry was written when I was so angry and upset with a particular person just because she came out with a very insane idea about something and she was literally telling people to stay away from me...yes, I can’t believe there’s a person like that but that’s life...I didn’t talk to her for a very long time but in the end I forgive her...

Tuesday, ‎29 ‎July, ‎2008...

“It’s very shocking...

I can’t believe how people sometimes can have more than one face...even after all these years we’ve been friends, some of them couldn’t care less about other people’s feelings...and they’re showing their true colours now...OMG! I can’t believe that it’s her! And I can’t even believe that this kind of thing is happening to me! Why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong to deserve this? I have never backstabbed you. Why should you do that to me? Are you jealous of me? But for me, that is so childish of you because for goodness sake! You have a husband already! How could you say bad things about me to him just because you wanted to be his best friend when you know well that he’s mine at the first place? It is so shocking to me because even how bad I am, I will never say bad things about my friends to other people and asks them to stay away and alienate that person just because you’re jealous that they’re too close with each other. Why should you be jealous when you’re not alone! You’re happy already, right?! Let me have this happy moment! And why the hell that you talk about all your boring marriage life to him?! He doesn’t want to hear all those shit! F*** you!...”

How’s that for madness?...

So over here (and other entries to come...), I would like to share with you guys some of the entries that I didn’t share before this because I think it was inappropriate at that time...but now, I just want to share with you guys some of the entries which I think can show and reflect the roller coaster that I’m talking about...

This particular entry was written by me right after last year’s Boria PPDa competition ended...I was writing it because I was so upset because I felt like people didn’t appreciate the things I’ve done for the school, even how hard I tried...but, right before I wanted to publish the entry in my blog, I felt guilty and in the end, I didn’t do it...but now I just want to share it with you...

Friday, ‎5 ‎September, ‎2008...

“It is sad to know that how good we did something, be it in work or other things in life, people will always, and I mean always try very hard to find people’s mistakes...I think that is one human‘s nature to do and it’s appalling...and the problem is sometimes (or all the time) they don’t even consider themselves to see what the good deeds people have done, no matter how large or how much more the things are from the one mistake that one did. The power of mistake is greater and overwhelms the good deed one does even how much it is. And, what makes it more appalling and disgusting is that those people consider themselves to be a saint and almost like a perfect portrait of a person even though in reality, they certainly are not. What is their real problem? Maybe god created some human to be like this just to remind other people to be cautious and alert with one’s life. Well, that’s one good way to look at it. But, seriously, can they honour or give some credit to what people do for a change? Then, it’s going to be okay to talk about other things. People love to hear good stuff before hearing the bad ones.”

The next day, I was okay again in school...happy and content...

It's inevitable...even how hard I am trying not to grow, berangan lah kononnya nak muda remaja senantiasa katanyakan, we cannot stop ourselves from being wise and to take things in our life a little bit more serious and not to make decision that can ruin our life in the future...yelah, bila kita dah agak tua ni, usia pun dah meningkat, kita tak boleh nak lari dari berfikiran lebih kritikal to things in life sebab kita tahu what is good or not for our own...coz if we make mistakes in our life, no one will take the responsibilities...kita juga yang merana dek kerana kesilapan diri kita sendiri...i'm not saying that I'm perfect when it comes to making decision in my life, but I think I'm trying my best and some decision that I've made have shown that I'm doing the right thing...well, at least I think that it is...walaupun sometimes rasanya my maturity came a bit late than it should be, but at least I'm heading to it...takdelah nak kata yang I'm not growing at all...that's insane...

Have you ever been in this situation where it is so hard to say no to things?...i bet u guys semua pernah mengalaminya kan?...sometimes rasa susah sangat-sangat nak kata tidak kepada sesuatu...so we ended up saying yes to this, yes to that, yes to you, yes to him, yes to her, yes to everybody or anything AND at the end of the road...total madness!...everything become haywire and there's no turning back...itulah bahananya if kita tak pandai nak say no to some things in life...

I'm turning 29 in a matter of days...i think that in a way, bila diingatkan balik things that have happened in my life, I've learned to say no to some things that I think I will not or could not be able to do or manage...walaupun at first rasa bersalah sangat bila kita say no ni tau, we feel like we're letting people down...betul-betul tak faham kenapa kita perlu berfikiran begitu sedangkan maybe other people didn't even care how we feel and what will happen if we say yes to the things that is impossible for us to manage...

And baru-baru ni, yesterday sebenarnya, I encountered something yang agak besar and I said no to it...I've encountered to one of the biggest  decision that I have to make within minutes and I ended up saying no because I know that I can't possibbly do it in time...there was this person calling me from some department from MOE asking me a favour (a very big one for that matter...)...he heard from someone that my Boria team won the state level recently, so he was asking me whether I can prepare a Boria performance for the upcoming National Science Competition...guess what, tetaplah benda-benda besar macam ni nak mintak tolong dengan orang last-last minute kan...the performance will be on Tuesday next week!...how can I manage!, mana nak cari liriknya lagi (he wanted the lyric to be Science themed, banyak pulak permintaan tu, cheh!), nak minta solo singer hafal lirik lagi, nak rehearse lagi, nak manage tu, nak manage ni, arghhh!!...just to think about it pun dah buat kepala ni pusing macam gasing!!!...eventhough it sounded like an oppurtunity that I should grab instantly,yelah, performance for a very big event tu, rugi tak try kan, but instead I said no because memikirkan banyak lagi kerja lain, and this weekend ada camping (me, camping?...aku pun macam tak percaya, kahkahkah...) lagi and other school's stuff that need to be done...so no.

Actually, this was not the first time, dulu pun ada jugak someone from a very big organisation (semuanya big ni,haha...) called asking for my expertise (chewah!...) to prepare a Boria performance untuk satu majlis meraikan our former Prime Minister, Pak Lah!...OMG!...i was like, sure! If you called me earlier!...for goodness sake, diaorang ni pun kan, if you need our help, can you at least call us ahead of time, the performance don't just magically ready in front of the audience without any practices and preparation tau!...sabar jelah...in the end, I said no to that opportunity too...huhu...

Saying no to things don't just happen in that situation alone...there's other situations where it needs to be done...like for instance, when it comes to friendship, if we think that the other person is not giving anything (zilch) or dirasakan tak dapat nak memberikan apa yang diingini oleh diri kita sendiri, just say no to that friendship or whatever ships for that matter, just stop it there and there...beranikan diri untuk mengatakan tidak kepada manusia yang tak berguna itu...it will do no good to yourself if you stick to that prick because they will not do or try to give what you wanted...just say no...Kalau kita rasa macam the other party is very selfish and they don't even care what we want or need in the friendship, just say no to that friend of yours...tak ada gunanya stick to that kind of people sebabnya kita akan rasa yang diri kita ni sahaja yang buat everything and the other party seperti tidak berusaha untuk do something for that friendship...again, be brave to say no...i've encountered with this kind of person before, mula-mula I gave that person a chance, considering things that didn't need to be considered at all..but with the help and encouragement from wiser people surrounding me, and I'm old and fragile and I don't need all this crap in my life anymore, I put a stop to it and held my head up high...

I'm not asking everybody to say no to every single thing in this life...fikirlah sendiri kan...if rasa diri tu tak boleh nak terima beban tu, or kerja lain sudah terlalu banyak nak dibuat, or pada orang-orangan yang sudah tidak berguna lagi untuk disimpan di dalam hati, then you should proudly say..."sorry, I have to say NO"

So, if you think that you're the kind of person who cannot say no to whatever things in your life, you better start practicing because it may help you in your life...it's just a thought... no offense...